Green Flags, Red Flags and Circular Dating | Part 1
Well, it's been a long time since I have written to you about dating. Over three years, to be exact.
Thank you for waiting for me; I was recovering from the trauma.
The attachment trauma, that is.
Let's back it up and begin where we left off. In 2018 when I wrote to you, I mentioned that dating was often painful. I knew I was choosing unavailable men, but I didn't know how to stop. I didn't see that I was also emotionally available. I honestly didn't. I would end up dating men who didn't want a committed relationship but still wanted to hang out with me. It always ended in trauma and pain.
So, I knew I needed to get help, and I reached out to the person I knew could help me, The Angry Therapist, John Kim. He taught me about attachment styles, and quite honestly, it's taken me this long to grieve, admit myself to the truth, and practice how to be a secure attachment in relationships.
I have so many stories to tell you, but today I'm going to tell you just one.
Here are some facts about me. I am 44 and haven't been in a long-term, committed relationship in 15 years. For the past year, I have been dating with new tools, and I am NOT the same person I used to be. I have not gone on one second date in a year. I have been on A LOT of first dates. I am better at setting boundaries and communicating and not afraid to ask for what I want and what I need. I have talked to hundreds of men, been on first dates with dozens, and had sex with zero. I have only kissed one man in a year and a half also. That happened last Friday. I will not be seeing him again.
I drill these men with deep questions pretty quickly. One of my favorite questions to ask is, "What have you learned about yourself from your last relationship?' I would say 80 percent of the men say something negative about their ex. I've heard the answer "that I don't like alcoholics," or "I should be pickier." I understand the being pickier comment. Still, there are better ways to say it, in my opinion. Like, I could have better boundaries and communicate my needs better. Anyway, I'm not too fond of those answers. Those men don't make it to the second round of questions.
The other 19 percent answered the question and said something they saw as unfavorable about themselves and that they need to work on. This is a much better answer because it shows personal responsibility and sounds like healthier self-esteem.
About 50 percent of the men answer my questions and NEVER ask me one back. Not one. They get removed from the circle pretty quickly too.
There is one winner. He has depth, and he makes me laugh all the time. I love him for that. He not only answers my questions quickly, but he is consistent and interested in me as much as I am with him. Sometimes he asks me the same questions I ask him, but he also asks me some of his own.
That puts him in the lead, but the real answer to why he is the winner has to do with his response to the same question "What did you learn about yourself from your last relationship?." He answered it entirely unlike anyone else. He answered it twofold. He mentioned something that he did well. He celebrated something about himself; he was also vulnerable enough to voice and admit what he needed to work more on. He mentioned that he could have been a better listener and a lot more present.
He is present and a great listener to me. He has never kept me waiting. I loved his answer because it showed me how he thinks. It wasn't just the answer; it was how his brain works. What a gift to be around someone who could see how to celebrate himself and also see a place to grow. If he can look at himself this way, he can see me this way too. I see that as a gift.
We will see if I go out on more than one date with him? Only time will tell. I do know that regardless of that answer, I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. That person is me.
xo,
Diana
