Grief has taken over my life.

My dear friends,

About thirteen years ago, right after I got divorced from my ex-husband I went to South Beach Miami for Christmas. I was going through a huge life change and I remember well that I was missing my German Shepherds that left me and went with my ex husband in the divorce. South Beach is full of people with tiny dogs and they bring them everywhere. I would ask people if I could pet their dogs and when they said yes it would fill me up.

On one sunny day I went for a walk and spotted a pet store so I wandered inside. The store owners pointed to a chihuahua puppy and said, “She’s the smartest dog in here.” I looked at her, this tiny black and tan baby weighing in at 4 pounds. I loved her sweet eyes and the way she wanted to be loved. I held her in my arms and found it hard to let her go so I came back to that store every day for a week to see her and on December 26th, 13 years ago, I adopted her and named her Shiva. She became my life partner.  

I have had a few boyfriends come and go during these years but for the most part it was Shiva and I. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

The other day, on December 26th, over a decade after I first met her in that Miami pet store, I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. Shiva passed away and grief has taken over my life. I watch myself surrender to it. What I mean by that is that I’m simply allowing myself to feel it. I’m letting it move me rather than me trying to move it by pushing it away.

In an instant I can burst into sobs that feel wild and loud and uncontrollable. On most days I feel like I have a brick in my belly and I don’t have an appetite. For the first week I would wake up in the morning and sob until I pulled myself out of bed. I haven’t been going out. I haven’t watched tv one time. I haven’t been on the internet at home once. I’ve been trying to be still. I’ve been trying to slow down and to feel the grief as it is.

I’m feeling it so that I can learn from it and understand it better. I’m feeling it so that the grief can speak to me as it does and make space for wisdom and clarity to shine through. Too many times in the past I have run from my feelings but this time I’m choosing to stay. It’s a moment to moment choice and it’s one that I’ll keep choosing. I’m choosing to stay because that’s what love looks like and I want to take care of myself and also quite honestly I’m just too tired to try and run from it.   

I see many people that hold me in this space and I also see more people uncomfortable with my grief and pain as they try to make me laugh or give me advice or tell me how I will feel or won’t feel. But my experience is only mine. I don’t do shit like most people. That’s how I have had all of my successes in life...   by finding my own way. I’m finding my way through this grief and it’s bigger than ever before. 

I am unable to show up to work the way I want to some days and have to forgive myself for that and let it go. In fact, I can’t remember a time in my life where I have felt more on my knees than I do right now.

I have never felt more humble. I have never felt more pain and sadness. I have screamed and cried every single day since she has been gone. Those feelings are so big. Do you know what else is big though? My gratitude. It’s not always easy to feel grateful but right now it’s pouring over me. It’s overwhelming how much gratitude is naturally bubbling up. I have never felt more grateful than I do right now and my table is empty. It’s not full.

I think of all the sweet moments I had with Shiva and I am truly blessed. What a relationship we had, she and I. It was so special. I thank God all day long for her, more than I ever have. Also, the strangest thing that I’ve noticed inside my grief which I haven’t expected is that I have never in my life ever felt more LOVE. I mean it, I have never felt more love in my heart. It’s overwhelming. 

My experience is that when you feel one thing you tend to feel everything. It all comes up. Shiva keeps on giving me the gift of love even though her body is gone from this earth. I had a teacher say to me one time that God will always replace love with more love. In this way, we will never be left alone. I’m holding tight to those words right now because they are the hope left in the bottom of Pandora’s box.

Prayer has always been a big part of my life and I've noticed that I’ve been praying more than ever since Shiva died. I thank God for her and I also use that time to talk to her. That’s one of the beautiful gifts of the heart. We get to communicate to anything and anyone connected to it. Anytime. Anyplace. In an instant. And that’s what I call prayer.

I pray all day to Shiva. She has shown me that she is praying back. She sends me messages everyday to let me know she is still here. Sometimes it’s through a friend that can see her spirit running around the yoga room in joy after class or her sitting in my lap. Sometimes it’s through music, like the other day at the hair salon when I heard a song on the radio and I hit Shazam on the song, which I almost never do. The name of the song was, “ I Will Be Back One Day.” For now, my sadness remains but my faith in God has been restored and heightened.  

She brought me closer to my heart. 

She brought me closer to God.  

Shiva shows me that she is not gone. She is alive inside my heart.  

She has taught me that love can never leave. It just changes form. 

Shiva has taught me the meaning of her name: in death, there is new life. 

xo,

Diana