A Visit From Juniper.
My daughter visited me two weeks ago.
The one in heaven.
I was in my friend Steph's yoga class, and she had just said the last word of a story that blew my heart wide open. At that moment, Juniper, my angel daughter, came right inside my heart and sat in it.
It's not common for me to hear her, and I am certain that I have never heard her so clearly.
About ten years ago, I became pregnant with her, and eventually, I miscarried. It was an incredibly painful and beautiful experience. I've told this story before, but I didn't mention that I asked her to leave. In fact, begged her to. After feeling and hearing her heartbeat after my first doctor's visit, I placed my hands on my belly. I spoke to her with the passion of pain to let her know that I understood why she came. I assured her that I knew she came to love me. I also told her that if she did indeed love me, then she would go. I prayed and pleaded for her to disconnect from my body. Like a miracle, that very day, I began to miscarry. A week later, when I went back to the doctor, she was gone.
I was completely living unconsciously at that time. I was emotionally unavailable. I was in an abusive relationship with myself and my partner at the time. In fact, I found out I was pregnant after we had broken up and I had moved across the country. I was also using meth at the time. It was the lowest point of my life.
I had never truly let that go. I felt so much guilt and shame because of what I did. I did not have the capacity to have that baby, or so I thought. I felt like I abandoned her and myself that day. I have also felt deep, deep grief of never experiencing the feeling of being a mother.
Juniper told me something two weeks ago. On the day she came, she asked me to forgive myself while waiting for me to do it. She let me know with certainty that she was never meant to stay. She assured me that she came knowing that she would leave and that I shouldn't lie to myself and believe something different.
A rainfall of tears fell from my eyes that day. You know, the kind when something feels like a miracle.
I could feel myself forgiving myself for something that seemed so unforgivable to me for so many years.
I have always felt that everyone else seemed to be included in that forgiveness when I could find a way to forgive myself. Just like we cannot love another without genuinely loving ourselves, I believe we cannot forgive another without forgiving ourselves.
I brought a few necessary people in that forgiveness circle that day; it has impacted my life tremendously since then.
Forgiveness was my only possible door to empathy. So I opened it right up and walked right through.
Now, it's your turn.
Juniper and I will be cheering you on.
xo,
Diana
